Watching the Rain Fall

Been thinking a bit lately. To be honest I’m not really happy right now. There are a few things I am identifying as reverse culture shock (it’s been 4 1/2 months but it is still happening) and a few things that are nothing to do with that. One of my little weights on my shoulder, is something I’ve dealt with a lot before. I have slightly addictive tendencies. Thankfully this has not brought itself out in anything nasty such as drugs or alcohol or sex or gambling or anything else you might go to an anon meeting for. No this seems to come out in tv, the internet, The Sims and other things where I have a tendency to turn off my brain. Frankly, this is NOT good given my current amazing profession as a STUDENT. I need my brain to stay on. And to actually focus. I have not been focusing lately. I have been doing very little focusing. This is something I struggle with and probably always will. Not ADD. I know what I need to do, I just generally avoid doing those things in favor of the addictions listed above.

I am happiest when I am productive, close to God (I’m a Christian, I don’t talk about it much. Don’t really feel I need to. But I may more sometime not so soon… yes there is a point to this rambling) and when I feel in control of my life. But right now I don’t feel like I do. In fact I don’t feel like any of those things. I do not feel on top of anything and here is my big reason. I am spending too much time on this computer, on my bed, watching TV. I am not happy. I’m NOT happy! So why does that feel so friggin’ good to type? I don’t want this to be my life. And here’s the thing. This, how I am living right now isn’t what I want.

And I don’t need Doctor Phil, any life coach, self help book, or Pastor to tell me what to do. I wish I could say God told me. But no, my mom told me. And not anytime recently. No, she told me everyday as I grew up and never directly (or at least never as it sunk in with verbal enforcement).  If I want to change it only I can.  I need to get up off my arse and actually do something. My mother gave me that common sense. And if I learned anything while I was in England it was this: My mom is generally right. OK, not always but when it comes to a lot of things it’s generally a good idea to listen to my mom, to look at what she does, or at what she would want me to do. My parents have raised me, offered me every opportunity, and not so this would be my life. No, they wanted better for me. And here’s the thing. I want better for me.

This isn’t working. What I’m doing now. It’s just not. So here it is. A radical idea this day in age, among people in our age group. I’m turning off the computer. Granted, I am also a college student so perhaps I need to qualify this statement. I need the computer, the internet ect… for my school work. I need it to communicate with my classmates and my profs. So, tonight I turn it off and I only turn it back on to do homework, and check e-mails. I’ll work something out with iTunes, since it’s kinda my version of the radio. Maybe have it on but not allow iTunes store shopping. I just know I need a radical change right now.

Why stop there. Justin recently told me I watch too much telly. And after all he’s right. No more. I get wrapped up in stories. Thankfully with novels you have to wait a while if it’s a series in progress, or it just ends. No these shows that I get addicted to, they go on and on. Each week a new installment. I’m breaking these addictions. I don’t need them. And I am better than this. I am better than this life I am in right now. And here’s the thing. The life I should have, the life I have worked hard to get is right here. So close that I kinda float through it each day. I am sick of this. And here’s another thing. I miss God. And He hasn’t really gone anywhere. I just haven’t talked to Him in a really long time.  So here it goes, heres the plunge. And if you don’t see me for a while, if I disappear… it’s because I’m out living my life.